Only Inspector Clouseau can solve the Novichok case now

9th April 2018 / United Kingdom
Only Inspector Clouseau can solve the Novichok case now


By TruePublica: The Skripal Novichok poison affair has fooled almost no-one with a slightly questioning mind and an internet connection. The entire story would make an epic egg-on-face Inspector Clouseau classic worthy of Peter Sellers at his best. The plot includes a delusional Russian despot attempting to assassinate an ageing retired ex-spy in Britain where the end result was an international scandal, a dead cat, two starved guinea pigs and a lot of unemployed diplomats.



Social media is, of course, a great source of sarcasm around such events and Twitter has not disappointed. In addition, there is a profusion of videos floating around providing evidence from qualified scientists to the Ex-Director General of the OPCW who clearly state this story is full of holes.




From British ex-ambassador to Uzbekistan Craig Murray comes this little piece:

“Comrade Putin, we have successfully stockpiled Novichoks in secret for ten years and kept them hidden from the OPCW inspectors. We have also trained our agents in secret Novichok assassination techniques. The programme has cost hundreds of millions of dollars, but now we are ready. Naturally, the first time we use it we will expose our secret and suffer massive international blowback. So who should be our first target? The head of a foreign intelligence agency? A leading jihadist rebel in Syria? A key nuclear scientist? Even a Head of State?”

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“No, Tovarich. There is this old retired guy I know living in Salisbury. We released him from jail years ago…”

“With respect Comrade Putin, are you sure he is the most important target to reveal a programme we have put so much resource into for ten years?”

“Yes. I sit here every day and I cannot concentrate on the affairs of Russia or the World as all the time am thinking of Sergei Skripal. I should never have let him out of jail to spend his life buying lottery tickets and eating in Zizzis. But you must make absolutely certain to kill him.”

“Don’t worry Comrade Putin, we have been training in secret Novichok assassination techniques for ten years. We even have a detailed manual explaining our methods. We will spread the Novichok on his outside door handle (fiendish laugh).”

“Are you sure comrade? Is there not a danger it will wash off or get diluted?”

“No Comrade Putin, it never rains in England.”


That is, genuinely, in every detail the official British government version of what happened in Salisbury, including the ten-year programme and the secret assassination manual.

Despite this story being one of the most improbably wild conspiracy theories in human history, it is those who express any doubt at all as to its veracity who are smeared as “conspiracy theorists” or even “traitors”.


And why would anyone believe this particular yarn by a desperate Tory party facing what The Times describes “as a party showing signs of tipping into anarchy.” Tony Blair’s ‘sexed up September dossier’ was endorsed by all of the Tory party, BJ and TM included along with an unquestioning mainstream media. And look where that got us.

David Cameron managed to say quite straightfaced before the 2010 election: “Britain faces a simple and inescapable choice – stability and strong Government with me, or chaos with Ed Miliband.” And look where that got us.

From Boris Johnson’s £350m a week to the NHS to Thersa May comforting the nation that “Brexit will be painless” – and guess what, both were lies and HMS BritannicaTitanic is heading straight for the cliffs.


In the meantime, Theresa May and Boris Johnson have gone to ground on the Skripal/Novichok matter as the tragicomedy continues to unfold and already, the concentration of news on the case has changed direction. Obviously.


Also, in the meantime … since the 4th March announcement by the British government that the Skripal’s had been poisoned, Germany, who expelled a cursory four diplomats have since signed (28th March) the huge Russia built Nord Stream gas pipeline project, with Finland, Sweden and Denmark all contributing to the project.  This is hardly the resounding support we’ve been led to believe by the hysterical hyperbole driven by some offshore tax-dodging billionaires who write such absurd Russiaphobia gibberish in the media that no-one believes anyway.

It is precisely this type of babble why it is that just 24 percent of British people believe the British press.




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